WAGs really are airheads, WKD decides
Blow-up dolls have been conspicuously absent from the marketing plans of drinks producers - until now.
As part of its sponsorship of the Irish Football Association's Intermediate Cup, WKD is dishing out "good luck" kits to all competing teams, including essential items such as sweatbands, sponges ... and inflatable WAGs.
Spittoon is delighted to see that WKD is taking seriously the guidelines on not linking alcohol with sexual prowess. After all, there's nothing in the code of practice to prevent marketers
linking alcoholic products with the total inability to attract a real-life mate.
Don't drink me
"This is an aggressive beer," shouts the label of Punk IPA, the Scottish winner in the regional section of Tesco's Drinks Awards. "We don't care if you don't like it."
The rant on the label continues: "We do not merely aspire to the proclaimed heady heights of conformity through neutrality and blandness.
"It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to appreciate the depth, character and quality of this premium craft brewed beer.
"You probably don't even care that this rebellious little beer contains no preservatives or additives and uses only the finest, fresh, natural ingredients.
"Just go back to drinking your mass-marketed, bland, cheaply-made, watered-down lager, and close the door behind you."
Well done to Martin Dickie and James Watt from BrewDog, for saying what so many retail staff have thought about many of their customers for years.
Make your mind up
Front page headline on Camra's newspaper: "Cask ale market 'vibrant'". Page six headline: "The truth about real ale's 'decline'".
Thwaites kicks up a stink
There are some inescapable facts of life.
Move into the countryside and you can expect to smell manure and be woken up by the cock crowing.
Move to Cicely Lane in Blackburn and you'll probably get a major whiff of hops from the Thwaites brewery.
But a plan for 68 apartments and four houses on a derelict site in the area has been put on hold while environmental health officers carry out an investigation into whether th is aroma will have an adverse affect on residents' quality of life.
John Ingham, the chairman of East Lancashire Camra, said: "It's a wonderful smell. I remember Dutton's brewery where Morrisons is - there used to be competing smells.
"Personally I would be very happy to live near it - they have been putting out the same smells for 200 years and the brewing process hasn't changed."
Dim-witted but leggy Big Brother twins Samanda - sorry, Samantha and Amanda - are pictured here posing outside a taxi as part of the 30th anniversary celebrations of imported Thai lager Singha.
Let's hope they're not about to make one of those notorious getting-into-or-out-of-a-car-in-a-very-short-skirt mistakes that seem to be in such vogue among the WAGs and wannabes of this world. OLN is not Heat magazine, and we won't be printing anything of the sort.
Prof's words of wisdom
Commiserations to all of you who had been hoping to bid for the 1961 imperial bottle of Château Pétrus
which had been expected to fetch £75,000 at auction in Chicago last week before it was withdrawn while its authenticity was double-checked.
But, while that's going on, perhaps bidders might reflect on the words of Princeton University economics professor Orley Ashenfelter who publishes a wine newsletter called Liquid Assets.
"There are really two kinds of wine," he says. "One is for drinking, and the other is for collecting. Like rare stamps, collectable wines can take on inexplicably high price levels.
"I drink my wine and use my postage stamps to mail letters, and I continue to marvel at those who don't."