26 January, 2007



Tanners Cellars Shop, Shre


What's the most bizarre thing that has happened to you while serving

Only last weekend a woman came in asking if we had any sweet red wine. We suggested port but she insisted that there was a particular sweet red wine she had been prescribed because it was good for memory loss. As we don't stock anything that fitted her description we asked her its name so we could tell her where to try. She couldn't remember.

Would you still go to work if you won the lottery?

No. I would be too busy working hard on my tan on the island I had just bought and sipping a large glass of my favourite Champagne, Tanners Special.

What gadget or piece of technology can you not do without?

It's got to be the ever-faithful corkscrew/bottle-opener combo. I never leave the house without it.

If you could swap jobs with anyone for one day, who would it be?

The President of the United States, just to see if I could resist the temptation to push the big red button. Knowing me, I'd put my wine glass on it by mistake.

What would you recommend to a customer wanting to splash out?

Go and buy Speedos, a towel and goggles and don't widdle in the shallow end. Honestly, a good vintage Champagne. Customers rarely buy this unless it is for a special occasion, but have you ever tried it with fish and chips? It works fantastically well - with a good bubbly the acidity cuts through the grease perfectly for a complete taste sensation.

How do you deal with irritating customers?

Push them in the shallow end that's just been widdled in. Seriously, the best policy is to remember that the customer is always right, even when they are irritatingly wrong. And if all else fails just poke them in the eye.

If you could choose anyone to be Prime Minister, who would it be?

Chesney Hawkes because he is the one and only.

How long does it take you to break your New Year resolutions?

I don't make any because I'm too weak and I know I will break them.

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In the not-too-distant future, when all humans are born with inbuilt VR headsets and Trump is Supreme Commander of the Known Universe, how will students of wine look back on the present era of retail in the UK? And, in such a dystopian world, why would anyone care?

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Is blended Scotch overshadowed by single malt in retailers?

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